Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going to Talk About

BY JEN SNOW

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Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • The muscle-relaxant that you prescribed made me tense.

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • Is that supposed to be a statement necklace?

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • How to read lips.
  • How to wink.
  • Why it is important to remember dreams.

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • The neurology of anxiety.
  • Equal temperament.
  • How to tell time.

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I thought it was the type of problem that could be solved by listening to the Fleet Foxes song “Mykonos” on repeat.
  • For hours.
  • All day.

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • At 7:01 a.m., when she stepped into the shower, she discovered that at some point during the night she threw out her toothbrush.
  • She recalled brushing her teeth at 11:42 p.m., minutes before she got into bed early and fell asleep soon.
  • In the morning, when she found her toothbrush in the trash, she wondered about what she’d been up to, unknowingly, overnight.

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • On television shows they always wrap the tops and bottoms of gift boxes separately.

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • I wanted to tell her: “His mother loves you, but he does not.”

Things I Don't Understand And Definitely Am Not Going To Talk About

  • This might be the most amazing sentence in today’s New York Times: “Everybody here is scared now,” Primo Dlmn from Morocco said on Tuesday while selling Lemonhead candy and cigarettes at a bodega in the middle of the block.
  • BB Gun Shootings by Sniper Put Alphabet City on Edge
  • Though there are some other gems in the same ridiculously-written article:
  • “On the other side laps the East River.”
  • “Local residents speculate the shooter — many call him ‘the BB gun sniper’ — must have been a bored teenage boy because firing a BB gun is the kind of thing that bored teenage boys do.”
  • “One person lost an eye (false).”
  • “‘I knew about it, but I was born and raised around stuff like that, so I wasn’t nervous,’ James Heckstall, a Postal Service employee, said while making his rounds.”
  • “‘It used to be terrible around here, the Wild West,’ he said. ‘Now you can at least walk around at night. The neighborhood is getting nicer and nicer. Then, every once in a while, something like this happens, and it makes us look bad.’”